Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Tinder Portraits

Not all tinder portraits are funny. Sometimes, I make portraits as merely another attempt to gain some sort of fleeting validation that will temporarily fill the gaping void in my life and allow a brief escape from the cold grip of my dark passenger. In fact, any form of validation is helpful in relieving the smothering sensation as the brokenness of my past gradually emerges from the depths of my soul, cloaking my body in an anguish so powerful it creates physcial pain.

Meet Philippe! Phili not only appreciated my drawing but also gave me a ranking of 12 stars out of 10. For those of you who math, this means I went beyond the scale. This would be the equivalent of someone getting all of the answers on the test correct, banging the professor, and then getting an inner thigh massage from Brad Pitt. This would be like winning the nobel peace prize then dunking on Obama. This would be equivalent to getting your name on the hollywood walk of fame then beating Bill Cosby into tears with his own sweaters.

My art went 0 to 120.

My art had so much swag it broke the Swagometer

If my art was a mythical creature, it would be a Swagon







Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Photoshop kings 2



The volume of photoshop experts on Tinder is staggering. Perhaps it's the format of the app itself that attracts these savvy photomanipulating gurus. Regardless, I feel blessed to be able to feast my eyes on these tiny art pieces that not only express the artistic side of these men but also shower me with pure sex feelings.

Jonathan- When most people look at Jonathan they think "Oh man, I wish there where more of him from different angles". Lucky for us, Jonathan created this dream come true. I don't have to wonder any longer what the side profile of Jonathan's goatee looks like, or how he would look with an angst shadow of himself staring in the background. In a world where we only get one Jonathan, and one Jonathan is never enough, I am truly thankful that he took time out of his rap career to make this beautiful portrait for the Tinder ladies.


JM- The only thing better than tribal and barbed wire arm band tattoos are radioactive tribal and barbed wire arm tattoos. Unfortunately, most men who have attempted to achieve the "radioactive tattoo" look the natural way have died a slow and painful death from radiation poisoning. JM, being a photoshop master, was able to achieve this rare and beautiful look through his photoshopping and as a result has been swimming in a sea of Tinder vagina without the harmful side effects of radiation toxicity.

  

Paul- Scrolling through Tinder, I (like many other women) often feel sick and tired of all of the "alive" guys. For once, we'd like to see a dead guy or at least a fatally wounded dude. After passing through 10 healthy alive guys riding a wakeboard, nothing would be more refreshing than coming across a man with a knife sticking out of his chest or a bullet wound to the neck. Unfortunately, we rarely get to see a profile featuring a man gushing blood from various orfices. Paul knew that women of Tinder were longing for a bleeding hero. That ghostly palour of shock comined with beautiful crimson death is the next best thing to Ryan Reynolds holding a fluffy puppy. Thank you Paul, thank you for this gift.


Matt- Sometimes I lay awake at night and I wonder, do I want to date a man or a tiger? It's a conflict common to most adult women and while we often long for dates with tigers, they are notoriously difficult to date due to them being murderous wild animals. Some nights I say aloud "If only there was a half man half tiger hybrid of some sort that I could date". Matt has created this being. Matt, using his photoshop skills, has rendered a beautiful man tiger that fills this need for women everywhere. If only he had given us a full body shot ;)





Monday, 15 September 2014

Tinder Portraits

Sometimes men go bald in adulthood. Other times, they continue sprouting hair like a fully grown chia pet man with frosted tips. One surprising thing about this profile was that I never expected Goku from the Dragonball franchise to be so tall in real life. Cool robe, David Bowie of Labryinth. Hey Tom, what's life like as Guy Fieri's renegade younger brother? It's great to see you making a comeback, late 90's Nick Carter. How's the rap game, white coolio? But seriously,it's cool to see troll dolls in circulation again.

ok, I'm done. I drew Tom and nothing could be more eventful than his hair.




Overall, my interaction with the Don King of Tinder was rather pleasant, he appreciated the art and was rather polite. Good luck out there, Tom! All around the world statues crumble for me...




Friday, 5 September 2014

Tinder Portraits

Cliff is a man with confidence. Cliff has spent his hours in the tanning booth. Cliff has sniffed lines of creatine off the smith machine. Cliff has slowly caressed his own abs in the mirror while listening to linkin park. While it would have been an honor to draw Cliff myself, I knew immediately that he deserved a guest artist. So here is Tinder Portraits with Cliff, featuring the return of guest artist Atman!

Atman went all out with the first portrait, adding color and shading the creases of Cliff's fitted V-Neck t-shirt. Cliff's initial reaction was a positive review of the art. Perhaps deep down Cliff knew that he had given his number to hundreds of girls on Tinder and maybe, somewhere, there was an artist sketching pictures of Cliff in the comfort of her velour covered day bed, waiting to be taken to pound town. Cliff waited a few days to follow up with his inquiry, but being such a slick guy, Cliff kept things flirty with a little "...;)" Nothing could keep Cliff from his flirtatious texty winks.



Given that Cliff was such a good sport and seemed to appreciate the art, we decided to follow up with a second portrait. For the next portrait we chose his shirtless selfie. Atman was especially excited to draw Cliff's chiseled abs. However, things went downhill this time. I imagine it's because Atman didn't even bother coloring in Cliff's abs. Maybe we needed more shading on his biceps? I can't be sure. But Cliff was clear that the only thing he wants on his phone is pictures of ladies. Who would want to look at cartoonish pictures of themselves from their tinder profile when they could be staring at cartoonish pictures of women from their tinder profile? Nobody. So, Atman took it upon himself to sketch Cliff a cartoonish lady. 

 


Unfortunately, despite Atman reintroducing color into his art, our final portrait was not pleasing to Cliff. Perhaps we needed to add more boobs. Perhaps Cliff hated all cartoonish sketches. Perhaps Cliff had been hurt by a cartoonish sketch at an earlier time in his life and wore the scars every day on his lats. Either way, this was the end of the road for Cliff. Cliff doesn't have time for cartoonish sketches in between his sick gains and swimming in pussy.




Good luck out there, Cliff, you cartoonish sketch hating flirt.




Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Athletes

It's pretty much universal that girls are attracted to athletic guys. It's fun to watch them drip sweat as their perfectly coordinated muscles work together to dunk a ball or kick a frisbee. One of the more thrilling aspects of Tinder swiping is getting snapshots of athletes engaged in their sport of choice. While most opt for boring sports like soccer, hockey, or rock climbing, every now and then you will come across a rare breed of athlete who has chosen a unique sport, a sport that's a little more off the beaten path, if you will. Today's post is all about celebrating the athletes of Tinder.


Pumpkin Slaying: Unlike it's sister sport, Water Bottle Stabbing, Pumpkin Slaying has yet to go mainstream. A few of the challenges faced by pumpkin slayers include seasonal constraints on their equipment, mom's getting angry about "the mess in the backyard", and fitting pumpkin slaying practice in between Dungeons and Dragons Tournaments and touching their weird little dicks to "dark corners of the internet" pornography. Despite these challenges, men like Edmundo continue this tradition of putting on his best cargo pants, placing a pumpkin on a stick in his mom's backyard, and slaying it with a sword while his mom takes a picture. With perfect form and precision, Edmundo annihilates the pumpkins slice by slice as the slimy insides spill forth from the broken orange flesh, destroying any chance of pumpkin pie or jack-o-lanterns with each deathly swipe of his noble sword. 


Extreme Mud Crawling: Weaker men will go for "jogs" or "brisk walks", while the true warriors among us train in the mud. Watching a fully clothed man jump into a puddle of mud and gyrate his body back and forth as he propels himself forward using the power of his elbows and knees is the best reminder that the earth is a gooey piece of crap and is no match for the power of man. A true Extreme Mud Crawler will ensure that every inch of his body is covered in mud, except for his face. He will also ensure that his spectacles are kept perfectly mud and dirt free so that he can spot upcoming obstacles and enemies without delay. Denny demonstrates that he has the heart and determination of an angry earthworm. He leaves the other warriors behind in a pool of their own shame and presses forward. Extreme Mud Crawling is more than just training or a sport, Extreme Mud Crawling is a way of life.


Badminton: While, the previous 2 on this list are more along the lines of "rare" sports, I would be remiss not to include the sexiest sport of all. Every girl knows that if you get invited to watch a badminton match you must bring a second (or third) pair of panties, because nobody stays dry near a shuttle cock. Badminton is a timeless sport where men can wear sweat bands and polo shirts while they dance the dance of a warrior, swiping the tiny racket through the air with power and grace. Men of all shapes and sizes are welcomed to the badminton court, the only caveat is that you have to be oozing in sex appeal. Both Blair and Romain demonstrate that a man gently pounding a shuttlecock is, without debate, the sexiest act a man can do.

Swordplay: Currently, collecting swords is not a sport in itself, but, the way a man holds and displays his sword collection is quickly becoming a sport. The powerful gaze of a swordplayer as he poses with his deadly weapon is enough to make a lady's heart melt. In addition, it's a known fact that sword guys often engage in sports like Pumpkin Slaying, Water Bottle Stabbing, and Sword Duels with other sword guys. Sword guys are constantly inventing new sports. Unlike stupid soccer balls or basketballs, swords are pieces of equipment that are not restricted to one sport. As Evgeny notes, the world is a playground, a playground that needs to be stabbed with swords.






Monday, 25 August 2014

Tinder portraits

Phil is one of those guys who doesn't need to mess around with "getting to know people". Phil is a confident man who likely owns a Ski-doo and numerous Fox Racing and Affliction T shirts. Phil recites NASCAR standings like My Aunt Daphne recites Gluten-free cookie recipes. Phil is a dangerous man, a danger to your heart and your pu**y ;)

I did not have to match or interact with Phil to draw him. "Don't be shy" Phile urges. Since he uses Tinder like a gift and blesses us all with his contact info, all I had to do was sketch and text.



One thing I learned about Phil is that he is an old Fashioned kinda guy. Phil couldn't be bothered with texting. Upon receiving his first drawing, Phil immediately called and left me a voicemail:



Voicemail 1:"Hi, I don't know who this is but it's pretty dumb that you sent me a picture drawn by a little kid *grunts* so who *sighs* who is this?"

Since Phil wasn't pleased with his first picture and assumed it was done by a "little kid", I thought I'd take things up a notch and give him another one.

 
The second picture of Phil was truly my favorite. It showed us his bad boy side, with his shades and his racing patches and his perfect goatee. I was pretty proud of this drawing. So, I waited a few days to be cool then, excitedly, I sent Phil drawing number 2. Once again Phil decided to go old school and left me a voicemail:


  Voicemail 2: "Hey! Who the F*** is this? I'm confused. Why are you sending me shitty drawings of myself. *sigh/grunt* I don't know you."

Phil then proceeded to call 3 more times before throwing in the towel. While his words were harsh, his tone was still a little kind. Perhaps Phil did actually like the second picture better and he was so impressed he just wanted to meet me. To my delight, 2 days later Phil called again and left me another voicemail:

Voicemail 3: "Seriously, why are you sending me shitty drawings of myself? Do I know you? This is *groans* This ugh *inaudible*  What is wrong with you? Answer the phone"

I did not answer my phone. So then, Phil then decided to give up. Just kidding! He called me 6 more times and left another voicemail at 3am.

Voicemail 4: "Ok, ugh, agh, so..., are you gonna tell me who this is? Whats with the ugh, with the picture? I'm *groans* I'm , I'm f*****g done. *whispers* Kid drawings. *inaudible* anyways...so stup..."

And that was the last I heard from Phil. I'd like to think that somewhere, some lucky girl is being taken to pound town in an adult sized NASCAR bed while Phil pauses midway and ponders the drawings that were sent to his phone back in early August.







Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Tinder Celebs

One little known fact about Tinder is that it actually has a ton of celebrities using it!

Here are a few I've found so far:

1. Woody Harrelson
 


2. Kim Jong-il


3. Fat Bastard